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Can’t you tell your sexual orientation by which gender makes you sexually aroused?No. This point is especially confusing for males. Men can become sexually aroused very easily with numerous triggers. Many men can get erections by thinking about or viewing sexual activity in general, even if the activity involves men and women together. Some youth think they are gay if they see other boys nude and have arousing feelings. Likewise, women can become aware of arousal when they see sexually oriented material, even if it involves nude women but this is no “proof” of lesbianism. Especially during youth, sexuality in general can be arousing. People are subject to learning sexual arousal very quickly. In other words, if something or some fantasies produces arousal, it is likely to produce arousal again more easily due to the role of conditioning. For instance, as a young boy, one of my clients became physically aroused watching two other boys in his neighborhood engaged in genital “show and tell.” The client was about 10 and the other boys were near the same age. He found the whole scene fearsome, provocative and arousing all at the same time. After awhile the thought of the scene could bring the same kind of physical arousal. Entering puberty, he began to masturbate to the scene since it was associated with sexual feelings. It is important to understand that the scene itself had utility in that it could produce the pleasant outcome of arousal and release. However, this individual began to associate this scene with the worry that he was homosexual. Our culture is no help here. No one explained that this arousal was not necessarily a sign of a pre-determined sexual orientation. He assumed that since he was aroused by memories of sex play that he must be gay. After being advised to try out gay sex, he felt that maybe he was gay, since it was somewhat enjoyable. When he began seeing me he couldn’t shake the thought that he must be gay because he tried the behavior and still thought about it. The formation of sexual identity should be considered as a related but separate experience from the experience of sexual arousal. Those not wanting to identify as gay should not think they are obligated to do so simply because they experience some same-sex desire. Sexual identity is something that incorporates one's sexual desires, personal values, worldview and religious beliefs. Feel free to send any questions you have about counseling for sexual identity formation to me via this website... |
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